It truly has the power to reduce stress and help us bring about Jewish redemption. Queen Esther knew how to use her intimate and sexual energy to turn the tide- in that spirit, we present this following idea.

One of the mitzvot of Purim is the משתה, the feast, which also features prominently in the megillah- Esther invites Achashveroush to not one, but two intimate feasts before revealing her true wish.

This year I want to invite you to create a different kind of intimate feast- a feast of senses!

Before we begin, I want to acknowledge any of you, or your partners, who have disabilities with any of your senses. Adapt this exercise in a way that works and is fun for you!

Becoming mindful of, and practicing sinking into, our senses is a powerful way to enhance our ability to experience pleasure in our body. In addition, recent research is proving what many alternative practices have been teaching for years- that practicing mindfulness during sexual encounters is one of the surest ways to awaken and increase desire, as well as deepen sexual discovery and growth.

Here’s a simple way to try it out:

👑 Solo:

Choose an array of items and objects to awaken and delight each of your senses- 👅taste (sour, sweet, bitter, spicy, salty), 👃🏽smell (essential oils, aromatic cream, tea bag, herbs/spices), 👂🏾sound (bubble wrap, piece of paper, metal fork, chime, phone app), ✋🏻 touch (feather, scarf, beaded necklace, ice cube, bubbles). 👀 Sight is optional- many times it’s easier to remain mindful by closing the eyes, as to be able to focus fully on the sensual experience. You may want to have some gentle background music playing, or not.

Sit or lie down comfortably, set a timer so you don’t have to worry about how long to go for, and randomly, or blindfolded, choose one item at a time. 

Fully sink into the sensual experience of it before moving on. Notice the way it feels, smells, tastes, sounds and looks. How does it make your body feel to anticipate it? To experience it? What did you like? Not like?

👉🏽 When you’re done, take out a paper and spend some minutes reflecting on the experience- how was it? What did you like? Didn’t like? Did you learn something new about yourself?

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Alternative: Have a senses feast with a friend, and follow the partnered version. I’ve done this with a group of female friends, and it is delicious!

👩‍❤️‍👨Partnered:

Follow the same preparation as in the solo version.

Now, set the timer for the amount of time you have to dedicate (I recommend starting with 10 minutes per partner). One partner closed/blindfolds their eyes and lies down (fully clothed, or not). The other partner then leads them through an array of sensual surprises. Try to minimize, or ‘forbid’ verbal communication, instead the leading partner being very attentive to the receiving partner’s body language and non-verbal reactions.

When the timer goes off, switch roles.

When both partners have had a turn, talk about what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you’d want to do differently or try again!

Hormonal: The balance of hormones in a woman’s body changes drastically after giving birth. During the first six weeks after birth the range of hormonal changes and emotional experiences is most extreme. At around six weeks, the body begins to find more equilibrium, and the extremes balance out.

Breasts: Every woman has a unique relationship with her breasts, a relationship that becomes more complex during pregnancy, as visible changes occur. These changes may include swelling, growing in size, getting hairier, and becoming more sensitive to touch (which may or may not be pleasurable), the areola becoming more prominent, and the nipples darkening. Some begin leaking colostrum, the precursor to breast milk.

 After giving birth, breasts continue to change. For some women, they grow even larger, sometimes by a few cup sizes. For the first few days after birth, they produce colostrum. Afterwards, the breast milk comes in. Many women experience engorgement, pain, cracked/bleeding nipples and general difficulty or discomfort around their breasts, especially if nursing. Often, breasts become very sensitive to touch. They leak, and even more so when a woman is feeling aroused (this may happen even if she is not breastfeeding)!

Vagina: Vaginas go through so much during childbirth. They are the portal between this world and the one within, the channel through which your baby passes to meet you. In order to push the baby out, all the vaginal muscles stretchhhhhhhed. Some might have torn; some might have been cut and sewn back together; others may have had medical equipment pushing, pulling and/or vacuuming. After all that, it’s no surprise that vaginas and vulvas need some time to recuperate.

It is important to realize that stitches, even if not visible, cause the area to be sensitive, and all the more so in the case of an episiotomy.

Another change in the vaginal area after birth is a diminishment of natural lubrication. This is super common after birth, especially if one is nursing.

Pelvic floor: A vagina doesn’t stand alone. It’s part of the pelvic floor and the network of pelvic floor muscles. During pregnancy and childbirth, these muscles are stretched and strained. One of the most common side effects of this stretching is urinary incontinence- leaking and peeing a little bit. Some women also experience fecal incontinence, which means they leak poop. Badly healed stitches can also lead to tightness and pain in the pelvic area. All these things can seriously impact how you feel about yourself.

A great tip is to book an appointment with a pelvic floor specialist while still in the eighth or ninth month of pregnancy. These professionals are often fully booked, and it’s difficult to see them, especially if they have a good name. During pregnancy, research options. Find someone you feel comfortable with and book an appointment for a month or two after giving birth. The specialist will check that the vagina and pelvic floor are healing properly, this usually includes an internal check to see exactly what’s going on. She will give you exercises to help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles.

C-section: A C-section is a major abdominal surgery. As such, it entails a more strict regime of rest and recuperation. There are women who feel fully recovered by their 6 week check up (and even before!). However, for most women the recovery period takes longer. Many women experience tingling and numbness in the scar area and in their vagina for months following delivery. Some women may experience permanent loss of sensitivity to touch around the incision area.

Sleep: Just so we’re clear, sleep deprivation is not a joke – it is actually a documented form of torture! People tend to dismiss its toll because in our culture sleep is seen as a bad habit, a kind of laziness. Most adults, even non-parents, are somewhat sleep deprived. However, lack of sleep messes up physical functioning, executive functioning, and the ability to process information, and those are only a few of its effects!  Be aware that lack of sleep doesn’t just affect the ability to remember, concentrate and focus, but also the ability to communicate, and sexuality itself. The body prioritizes needs. If it is not getting enough sleep, a basic need, then it will not have enough energy to expend on less crucial elements for survival, such as sex. In addition, when people are sleep deprived, they tend to be less patient and receptive. It is more difficult to turn to a partner with love and compassion when exhausted. Finding time and a place for sleep is crucial, and should definitely be high priority for both parents!

It may seem overwhelming, but there are things that can be done to minimize these changes and the negative effects they have on an individual’s and couple’s sexuality. Knowledge and awareness are the first steps, so just having read this blog gives you an advantage!

There are so many physical changes that take place in a woman’s body after giving birth, and every woman will experience a different combination of them, and a different emotional response to each change. It is beyond the scope of this blog to expand on all the physical changes. For an in depth look, I recommend my book, ‘Sexuality After Childbirth’.

Introduction

Reading the title of this blog post you may have wondered what the heck I was going to write- sexuality after childbirth seems like a paradoxical phrase, does it even exist?!

As a sexuality educator, over the years I have had countless conversations –

both with individuals and with couples – about sexuality postpartum. Some of these conversations took place weeks after the baby was born; other years later.

Most of these encounters started out as questions about difficulties couples were experiencing. What came up in all these conversations was the feeling of

bewilderment. People didn’t know what was normal; what to expect; when to ask for help; what help was available and where to seek it out. They were nervous about turning to the internet, as they weren’t sure how to find trustworthy information or were

overwhelmed by the sheer volume of data online.

I also came to realize that many couples were shocked at how having a baby changed their very sexuality. I speak here not just about having sex – that change is

somewhat expected, though many couples are still thrown by just how complicated it can get. Rather, I speak of everything surrounding sex, from body image to ingrained, and often unconscious, beliefs about whether a parent can be sexy, to the changes

in a new parent’s lifestyle and relationship dynamic.

The changes in sexuality after the birth of a child are multilayered. Knowing what to expect, and recognizing that certain changes are natural – even expected – can be a huge relief. 

The changes after giving birth can be categorized in several ways. In this blog series I will break it down in this order:

Physical changes

Identity changes

Relationship changes

Sexual changes

Before we set off on this journey, it’s important for me to reframe the way we think of change in general, as well as how it relates to our sexuality. Change is a constant

of life and is the force that moves us forward, pushing us to grow, evolve and discover greater depths in our experience, life and being. Change may be difficult; may catch us unawares; might even require a period of mourning the past. Nonetheless, it is the impetus of growth and development.

The birth of a child is always a huge change, upending all givens. The transition can be difficult. It might mean saying goodbye to things we enjoyed and loved, such as quiet evenings as a couple, or our pre-baby body. However, I truly believe, and have seen time and again, that sexuality after childbirth can be even more amazing than it was before. The journey it invites us to embark upon brings us face to face with our vulnerabilities, biases, values and inner needs. The path will probably not be simple,

but turning towards it with softness and curiosity will make it easier.

The wise, the wicked, the simple and the one who doesn’t know how to ask.

But what if I told you, that those same 4 sons, who represent the ways we can approach and teach children at the Seder- are the exact same sons present in teaching our children healthy sexuality?!

This is why I love being a values based, Jewish sexuality educator!

Jewish tradition and text have a wealth of wisdom relating to sexuality, which sadly doesn’t get enough attention in our educational systems (even in Chatan and Kallah classes!). 

Ok, so who are the four children when it comes to healthy sexuality?

The Wise One– this kid is always asking questions, and they’re deep ones too! How does a baby get into the Ima’s belly? How does the baby know when it’s time to come out? How come Ima and Abba’s beds are separate sometimes and together other times? Why does covering my body convey my respect towards it?

These children challenge you to define your values and communicate them;you love having these conversations with them. They usually have lots of follow up questions too, but they accept your answers and wisdom and you usually give yourself a pat on the back at how well you’re parenting them and teaching them what you lacked growing up.

The Wicked One- they have lots of questions too, but you usually feel uncomfortable with them. It seems as though they’re asking to get a reaction out of you, or to show you how much they’ve learned from friends and movies already. They know how to erase their search history, and how to hack the internet filter at age 8.

Even when you answer their questions, or try to have conversations about their body, puberty, and ‘the birds and the bees’- they block your efforts, tell you they know already, ‘ew, grosssss’, or ask follow up questions that leave you feeling baffled and unprepared. 

At the end of the day, you feel like you just can’t get it right with them, and are worried that they’ll grow up insecure about their body, confused and frustrated with their sexuality, and will feel that you failed them by not providing the information and connection they needed. Sometimes you even feel that conversations about sexuality draw a wedge between you, rather than connect you as a parent and child.

The Simple One- this is the kid who asks a straightforward question and is satisfied with the answer you provide. No follow up questions or deep conversations ensue. They’d be happy with knowing that ‘Hashem puts the baby in the mommy’s tummy’. When talking to this child, it’s important to tune into our ‘parent gut’ and see if they are open to hearing a little more- it can be tempting to not give them full explanations, but if our goal is to provide comprehensive sexuality education for their benefit, we must seek out the times when it’s appropriate to impart the pertinent knowledge.

The One Who Doesn’t Know How to Ask- don’t fix what isn’t broken, right? Wrong! 

This is the kid who just doesn’t ask questions. You wait and wait to follow their lead so you can make sure they’ll develop a positive body image, and learn to set boundaries and trust their body- but they just don’t ask. Not about how babies are made, or why they can’t have whatsapp until 8th grade!

Our role as a parent for this child is- ‘At Ptach Lo’- You open for them. We need to initiate the conversations. Don’t assume that because they aren’t asking questions, they aren’t interested. Or that if they aren’t interested, it doesn’t need to be taught.

Yes, there are kids who are less interested in talking about their bodies, and there are kids (and people in general) who are less interested in sex and sexuality etc. And that’s fine- we are not trying to force all kids to be the same. At the same time, there are certain topics, for example, the changes they will go through at puberty, that all kids need information on. Beyond that, they need to know there’s permission, an open ear and an address to talk about these topics- and it’s our responsibility as parent’s to make sure that happens.

As you were reading, you might have already begun thinking which one of the kids in your life falls into which category, and what you were like as a kid and teen as well. But the truth is, that just like the classic explanation of the four sons at the seder, there’s a bit of each of them in all of us.

As parents, the more we practice talking about these topics, the more honed our sensitivity and skill will be to recognize what kind of response and direction our child needs from us at each given moment.

The mitzva of remembering the exodus is highlighted on Seder night, but it is also a mitzva that we must do every day.  Similarly, when relating to sexuality education, there are the big talks where we set aside time to have focused conversations with our “four children”, but there is also the daily responsibility to notice opportunities for teaching and discussion, of modeling healthy body image, embracing healthy touch, and imparting the sexuality messages and values we want our kids to absorb from us.