We all know the 4 sons of the Seder, right?
The wise, the wicked, the simple and the one who doesn’t know how to ask.
But what if I told you, that those same 4 sons, who represent the ways we can approach and teach children at the Seder- are the exact same sons present in teaching our children healthy sexuality?!
This is why I love being a values based, Jewish sexuality educator!
Jewish tradition and text have a wealth of wisdom relating to sexuality, which sadly doesn’t get enough attention in our educational systems (even in Chatan and Kallah classes!).
Ok, so who are the four children when it comes to healthy sexuality?
The Wise One– this kid is always asking questions, and they’re deep ones too! How does a baby get into the Ima’s belly? How does the baby know when it’s time to come out? How come Ima and Abba’s beds are separate sometimes and together other times? Why does covering my body convey my respect towards it?
These children challenge you to define your values and communicate them;you love having these conversations with them. They usually have lots of follow up questions too, but they accept your answers and wisdom and you usually give yourself a pat on the back at how well you’re parenting them and teaching them what you lacked growing up.
The Wicked One- they have lots of questions too, but you usually feel uncomfortable with them. It seems as though they’re asking to get a reaction out of you, or to show you how much they’ve learned from friends and movies already. They know how to erase their search history, and how to hack the internet filter at age 8.
Even when you answer their questions, or try to have conversations about their body, puberty, and ‘the birds and the bees’- they block your efforts, tell you they know already, ‘ew, grosssss’, or ask follow up questions that leave you feeling baffled and unprepared.
At the end of the day, you feel like you just can’t get it right with them, and are worried that they’ll grow up insecure about their body, confused and frustrated with their sexuality, and will feel that you failed them by not providing the information and connection they needed. Sometimes you even feel that conversations about sexuality draw a wedge between you, rather than connect you as a parent and child.
The Simple One- this is the kid who asks a straightforward question and is satisfied with the answer you provide. No follow up questions or deep conversations ensue. They’d be happy with knowing that ‘Hashem puts the baby in the mommy’s tummy’. When talking to this child, it’s important to tune into our ‘parent gut’ and see if they are open to hearing a little more- it can be tempting to not give them full explanations, but if our goal is to provide comprehensive sexuality education for their benefit, we must seek out the times when it’s appropriate to impart the pertinent knowledge.
The One Who Doesn’t Know How to Ask- don’t fix what isn’t broken, right? Wrong!
This is the kid who just doesn’t ask questions. You wait and wait to follow their lead so you can make sure they’ll develop a positive body image, and learn to set boundaries and trust their body- but they just don’t ask. Not about how babies are made, or why they can’t have whatsapp until 8th grade!
Our role as a parent for this child is- ‘At Ptach Lo’- You open for them. We need to initiate the conversations. Don’t assume that because they aren’t asking questions, they aren’t interested. Or that if they aren’t interested, it doesn’t need to be taught.
Yes, there are kids who are less interested in talking about their bodies, and there are kids (and people in general) who are less interested in sex and sexuality etc. And that’s fine- we are not trying to force all kids to be the same. At the same time, there are certain topics, for example, the changes they will go through at puberty, that all kids need information on. Beyond that, they need to know there’s permission, an open ear and an address to talk about these topics- and it’s our responsibility as parent’s to make sure that happens.
As you were reading, you might have already begun thinking which one of the kids in your life falls into which category, and what you were like as a kid and teen as well. But the truth is, that just like the classic explanation of the four sons at the seder, there’s a bit of each of them in all of us.
As parents, the more we practice talking about these topics, the more honed our sensitivity and skill will be to recognize what kind of response and direction our child needs from us at each given moment.
The mitzva of remembering the exodus is highlighted on Seder night, but it is also a mitzva that we must do every day. Similarly, when relating to sexuality education, there are the big talks where we set aside time to have focused conversations with our “four children”, but there is also the daily responsibility to notice opportunities for teaching and discussion, of modeling healthy body image, embracing healthy touch, and imparting the sexuality messages and values we want our kids to absorb from us.